...a few tasteless jokes...
Q: What is the difference between
boogers and broccoli?
A: Kids won't eat broccoli.
Q: What is the difference between
women's sports and men's sports?
A: More periods.
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic
Rabbi?
A: He walks around saying "Yo!"
Q: How does every ethnic joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.
Q: Why do men like to watch porno
movies backward?
A: They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.
Q: How can you tell if an Italian woman
is embarrassed by her long, black hair?
A: When she wears long, black gloves to cover it up.
Q: What's the difference between a
lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q. Did you hear that it is twice as
easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
A. ...you only have to teach them to take off.
Q. What do Miss Muffet and Saddam
Hussein have in common?
A. They both have Kurds in their whey.
Q: What is Iraq's national bird?
A: Duck.
Q: Why don't lawyers play
hide-and-seek?
A: Nobody will look for them.
Q: What is the best thing for a woman
who has everything?
A: A man to show her how to work it.
Q. What do you call a stoner that just
broke up with his girlfriend?
A. Homeless.
Q. If there are two potheads in the
back of a car, then who is driving?
A. The cop!!!
Q: What happens when a lawyer takes
Viagra?
A: He gets taller.
**************************************************
Yo momma so ugly when they took her to
the beautician it took 12 hours. . . for a quote!
Yo momma so ugly when she joined an
ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."
**************************************************
Q: How does a typical Teamster start
telling bedtime fairy tales to his kids?
A: "Once upon a time and a half..."
Q: Did you hear about the tavern some
Indians opened in New York City?
A: They charge $24 for a Manhattan.
Q: What did the blonde say after the
state trooper pulled her over and unzipped his pants?
A: "Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!!"
Q: How can you tell that an attorney is
about to lie?
A: His lips begin to move.
Q: How is an ex-husband like an
inflamed appendix?
A: It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you
Q: What do you call a pretty girl in
Iran?
A: A tourist.
Q: What's the new Kennedy documentary?
A: Three Funerals and A Wedding.
***************************************************
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.
He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a
very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world.
He hears everyone in the crowd laughing
at him, calling him an idiot, and every other dirty word under the sun. So he
says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus
can't play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sits
it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. So
the man pays his$50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the
trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50.
A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He
sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down
with a confused look. "Ha!" the man says. "Can't you play
it?"
The octopus looks up at the man and
says, "Play it??? I'm gonna %&@! it as soon as I figure out how to get
its' pajamas off."
***********************************************
Q. How did they advertise surplus W. W.
II Italian rifles for sale?
A. "Never fired, and only dropped once."
Q. What is an innuendo?
A. An Italian suppository.
Q: What do blondes and dog poop have in
common?
A: The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
Q: What do men and pantyhose have in
common?
A: They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch.
Q: Why is psychoanalysis quicker for a
man than for a woman?
A: When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
Q: How can you tell if you're in a gay
church?
A: Only half the congregation is kneeling.
Q: What do you call a man who expects
to have sex on the second date?
A: Slow.
Q: What is the difference between men
and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Q: How do you blind a woman?
A: Put a windshield in front of her face.
Q: Who was the dog with wings?
A: Linda McCartney.
Q: Why do women have smaller feet than
men?
A: So that they can stand closer to the sink.
Q: What is the definition of true male
eloquence?
A: When a guy can describe Dolly Parton without using his hands.
Q: What do they call an aborted fetus
in
A: A cancelled Czech.
Q: Why was the President so excited
about bombing Iraq?
A: Because it involves attacking abroad.
Q: What do you get if you cross a
prostitute with an elephant ?
A: A street walker who does it for peanuts and remembers you forever.
Q: Why is the book "Women Who Love
Too Much" a disappointment for most men?
A: No phone numbers.
Q: What has two legs and bleeds?
A: Half a dog.
Q: How do you describe three
prostitutes and a blonde?
A: Ho, Ho, Ho, and to all a good night.
Q: How many Irishmen does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: 15. One to hold the bulb and the rest to drink whiskey till the room spins.
Q: How many feminists does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: One to change it and 15 to form a support group.
Q: How many Californians does it take
to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the
experience.
Q: How many psychologists does it take
to change a light bulb?
A: None, the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
Q: How many Harvard students does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around him.
***************************************
A pub landlord is shutting up for the
night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a
tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.
A few minutes later there is a second
knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick.
He gets his toothpick and off he goes.
There is a third knock at the door, and
a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick
too."
"No, a straw," says the
Tramp.
The landlord gives him a straw but is
curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not
a toothpick.
To which the Tramp replies, "Some
bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".
********************************************
A Canadian is walking down the street
with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey
Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?" "I got it for my wife,
eh." answers Bob. "Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."
*********************************************
Q: What does it mean when the post
office is flying their flag at half mast?
A: They're hiring.
Q: Why did the blonde stop taking the
pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.
Q: What do you call a guy surrounded by
3000 black men?
A: Postmaster General.
Q: What do you call a guy surrounded by
300 black men?
A: Warden.
Q: What do you call a guy surrounded by
five black men?
A: Coach.
*****************************************
Two men are talking about how they lost
their virginity. One of them boasts that when he first had sex her mother was
watching.
The other bloke says, "What did
she say?"
The first bloke replies, "Baaaaah!"
*****************************************
In a hospital serving victims of land
mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.
Little Girl: Doctor, something is
wrong... I can't feel my legs!
Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both
your arms.
******************************************
Q: How do you make your wife cry while
making love?
A: You phone her.
******************************************
A fellow was on his honeymoon near his
favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite
fishing guide. One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the
honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.
"Yes, but you know how I love to
fish..."
"But aren't you newlyweds supposed
to be into something else?"
"Yes, but she's got gonorrhea; and
you know how I love to fish"
A few hours later, "I understand,
but that's not the only way to have sex."
"I know, but she's got diarrhea;
and you know how I love to fish..."
The following day: "Sure, but
that's still not the only way to have sex."
"Yeah, but she's got phyrrea(*mouth
rot*); and you know how I love to fish..."
Late that afternoon, thoroughly
frustrated the guide comments, "I guess I'm not sure why you'd marry
someone with health problems like that."
"It's 'cause she's also got worms;
and you know I just love to fish..."
*********************************************
Harry answers the telephone, and it's
an Emergency Room doctor.
The doctor says, "Your wife was in
a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she
has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going
to the bathroom for the rest of her life."
Harry says, "My God. What's the
good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding.
She's dead."
*****************************************
Four surgeons were taking a coffee
break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants
are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is
numbered."
The second said, "I think
librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside
is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate
on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to
operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and
their ass are interchangeable."
***************************************
The tired doctor was awakened by a
phone call in the middle of the night.
"Please, you have to come right
over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a
contraceptive."
The physician dressed quickly, but
before he could get out the door, the phone rang again.
"You don't have to come over after
all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found
another one."
***************************************
Son takes his father to the doctor.
Doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer. Father tells
the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the bar on the way
home to celebrate it.
While at the bar, the father sees
several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS.
When the friends leave the son asks,
"Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of
AIDS?"
The father replies, "I don't want
them ****ing your mother after I'm gone!"
**************************************
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a
gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his
professionalism goes out the window.
Right away he tells her to undress.
After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.
As he does this he says to the woman,
"Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she says, "you're
checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," says the
doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing
now?" he asks.
"Yes," says the woman,
"you're checking for any lumps of breast cancer."
"That's right," replies the
doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to
her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're
getting herpes."
***************************************
A girl goes to the doctor's office for
a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her
chest.
"How did you get that mark on your
chest?", asks the doctor.
"Oh my boyfriend went to Harvard
and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we
make love", she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl
comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue
"Y" on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your
chest?", asks the doctor.
"Oh my boyfriend went to Yale and
he's so proud of it that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we make
love", she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl
comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green
"M" on her chest.
"Do you have a boyfriend at
Michigan?" asks the doctor.
She replies, "No, but I have a
girlfriend at Wisconsin, why do you ask?"
*************************************
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